I wish I could write to you now from exactly the perspective
that I had then. We sat for not months, but years, like
foreign spectators at the Roman games. Not understanding
the pageant presented before us at all. I distinctly
remember wondering "If I really accept my fate as a gay
man, and commit the act of gay sex, will I become a person
like this?" It wasn't until many years later, and a bad
relationship with a alcoholic, random-public-bathroom-sex-
adict that I realized just what it was all really about, and that
NO, I did not need to become any of that! I am already the
person that I will always be!
Being gay is like a secret magic. It introduces itself as
overwhelming feelings of closeness to a same sex friend at
the age of 11 or 12. Later, if that doesn't get you in deep,
you might see visions that inspire you to pleasure yourself;
images that make no sense at all. By the age of 14 or so it's
a phase that you know you will outgrow, and a shame, so
you don't bother to tell anyone about it. By the time 16
comes around, you have already cried harder and longer
than ever before in your life and you still don't know why.
Having been through all of that, and being so much older
than 16, you silently deal with the secret fantasies of 17;
then 18. You are a senior in high school, and then you are
not. Somehow all of the rituals of being a straight teenager
have slipped right past you, and you haven't earned those
rights of passage; much as you'd like to think you made a
valiant attempt at trying. You have spent all four years of
high school knowing that you are entirely different from
everyone else. Next thing you know, you're in college. You
are an adult! SO, GO GET 'UM! You are young and very
naive with a raging sex drive. Since being gay is not
generally socially acceptable, there is no defined line of
what sort of behavior is appropriate as a gay person and
what is not. You have only the other people attracted to
these same gatherings to look to for rules of conduct.
I guess the point is that there are a lot of sexual
vultures out there of all kinds and many self destructive
routines to fall victim to. And, with the introduction of AIDS
in the very early 80's, the stakes of the game were raised to
the value of your life. I'd like to think that nearly 15 years
after my somewhat traumatic coming out story that we
would have something a little easier to offer to our new gay
space travelers. What's Up magazine is only as informed as
the people who regularly contribute to it. But, at the same
time, we reach gay or gay curious people all over this area,
of all ages, who may not be very well informed at all. Being
a contributor to the content of What's Up magazine is only
a matter of contacting us and giving us the information you
would like to see included in an upcoming issue. Our
deepest hope is to provide some light on what I know is a
very scary subject for a lot of inexperienced gentle people.
I think it is important to inspire as much comradery
among gays, lesbians and bisexuals as possible in a safe,
no-alcahol, no-age-restrictions, non-sexually-threating way.
If you know of any social groups or support organizations
that have an open door policy and offer just such an
environment, please let us know so we can provide this
information to our readers.
JL
:o)
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